By S.P. MacIntyre Apr 24, 2008, 19:56 GMT
So. Presumably you’ve loaded your car up with clothing and tents and people and a suitcase full of illicit narcotics, and either tonight or tomorrow morning (if you haven’t already left earlier this week from locales far more distant and exotic than Los Angeles) you’ll begin a sort of pilgrimage to that Mecca of alternative music which congregates every year in the desert: The Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival.
"Borrow or steal the money if you have to! Hitchhike if you don’t have a ride! This is your weekend to be a kid, to have fun, to live for three days in a particular part of the universe not necessarily bound by conventional social constraints."
Allow me to be an arrogant jerk for a moment. If you haven’t been to the Festival before, you’ve spent a number of years being an incomplete person, lacking a certain experiential enlightenment and having a certain space of tangible absence in the very core of your soul.
A void, if you will, that can only be filled by three days of music you may never have heard before, 100-plus degree heat, sunburns, mosh-pit induced spinal injuries, nine dollar cocktails, copious amounts of sex and drugs (and the possible caveat: rock and roll), fantastic food, port-a-potty’s about to overflow, and long treks through dusty parking lots.
What I’m saying is this: if you haven’t woken up, drunk, in a puddle of mud while Willie Nelson is playing only to find an Infected Mushroom sticker stuck to your ass and all of your money somehow gone, you haven’t lived (or you’re just much more responsible than I am).
I’ve been to Coachella every year since 2002, and every year it seems to get better—the quality seeming to increase annually in a sort of exponential crescendo, surely to result, some time in the future, in the birth of the messiah, on the main stage, between a Radiohead reunion and a Rick Astley performance.
But in this time, I’ve noticed a few things, learned a few tidbits, and acquired a number of bad habits and some negative dispositions towards certain things. So I present to you here some snippets of advice, some Dos and Don’ts for enjoying and, more importantly, helping other people (mainly me) enjoy the Festival.
Tip 1 - Wear sunblock. If you don’t, you will get cancer. Instantly. On your face. They used to give it out free but they don’t anymore, so come prepared.
Tip 2 - Wear deodorant. You may not have access to a shower, but that doesn’t grant you permission to stink up the place. There are some things that patchouli just doesn’t cover up.
Tip 3 - Speaking of covering up: Wear a shirt, or stay the hell away from me. You’re dirty, you stink, you’re sunburnt, and you probably already have Ringworm. I don’t want to be trying to watch Prince and be forced to touch you after you’ve been running around the desert all day without a shirt on.
Tip 4 - Don’t bother trying to look attractive. Don’t wear makeup or expensive clothing. Trying to look attractive at this festival is an uphill battle: you are not likely to be at all successful and, if you are successful, most of the people there are intoxicated enough not to notice or care.
Tip 5 - Wear sensible shoes. No flip-flops or sandals or Uggs. People will step on your feet. Often. Sometimes on purpose. Sweaty feet win over broken toes any day.
Tip 6 - If you’re small and fragile, you don’t belong in the front. Nobody will respect your punctuality and foresight in getting to the stage two hours early so you can see the band you’ve made this entire trip for.
You are more likely to be kidney-punched and pushed back rather than be allowed to peacefully maintain your place. I saw a girl get her arm broken and trampled during a Bjork performance (worst crowd I’ve ever been in) while the security personnel did absolutely nothing. Remember: people are jerks and will do everything they can to ruin your weekend. Do what you can to mitigate their ability to do so.
Tip 7 - Stay hydrated. Water only costs 2 dollars a bottle, and you can also exchange 10 empty bottles for a free one. Take advantage of this.
Tip 8 - If you’re camping, bring earplugs and sleeping pills, you’re in for a long night.
Tip 9 - Don’t expect to arrive and find hotel vacancies, you will not find any. Bring a blanket so you can sleep in your car.
Tip 10 - Before you go, check coachella.com for the set times and any other questions you may have. The worst thing is arriving at the Festival and realizing that now you have only hours to decide whether you’re going to see Jack Johnson or Fatboy Slim (you’ll find me at the latter).
Tip 11 - It is very easy to sneak things in (hint hint), but they will not let you bring in canteens or water bottles or food or any sort of liquid container, including misters and fans. They’re also really strict about pens and pencils. Be prepared to throw stuff away.
Tip 12 - And lastly, bring precisely 6 condoms (regardless of your gender). You will know what to do with these when the time is right.
Over the next three days, I’ll be writing up little articles about what I see, and asking other people for their opinions about what they see (due to the fact that I cannot possibly be everywhere at once). I’ll also try to talk a little bit about the art fixtures and what the scene is like, et cetera.
Essentially, I will be going about this coverage in a very haphazard (read: horribly evaluative and totally non-objective) way. I’m sorry if this is not to your liking.
Let me conclude this by saying: just go! Borrow or steal the money if you have to! Hitchhike if you don’t have a ride! This is your weekend to be a kid, to have fun, to live for three days in a particular part of the universe not necessarily bound by conventional social constraints.
Be irresponsible, lewd, obnoxious. Ignore my advice if you want. Leave your insulin at home (I’m kidding, don’t sue). But, above all, enjoy yourself! There is great music to be heard here, and great experiences to be had here.
Here is a list (that I stole from Hollywood Insider) of the bands playing on each particular day (and an asterisk next to the ones I will make every effort necessary to try and see):
Friday – Jack Johnson, The Verve*, Raconteurs*, The Breeders*, Fatboy Slim*, Tegan and Sara*, Aphex Twin*, The Swell Season, The National, Animal Collective, Slightly Stoopid*, Mum, Sharon Jones & the Dap Kings, Stars, Battles*, Aesop Rock, Midnight Juggernauts, Does it Offend you, Yeah?, Minus the Bear, Spank Rock*, dan le sac Vs Scroobius Pip, Diplo, Adam Freeland, Santo Gold, Jens Lekman, John Butler Trio, Vampire Weekend, Dan Deacon, Architecture in Helsinki, Sandra Collins, Busy P, Cut Copy, Black Lips, Datarock, Professor Murder, Reverend and the Makers, The Bees, Porter, Rogue Wave, Modeselektor, American Bang, Lucky I Am
Saturday – Prince*, Portishead*, Kraftwerk*, Death Cab for Cutie*, Cafe Tacuba, Sasha & Digweed*, Rilo Kiley, Dwight Yoakam*, M.I.A., Hot Chip*, Cold War Kids, Stephen Malkmus & the Jicks, DeVotchKa*, Flogging Molly*, Mark Ronson, Turbonegro, Scars on Broadway, Islands, Enter Shikari, Calvin Harris, Boyz Noize, Junkie XL*, Cinematic Orchestra, Jamie T, The Teenagers, VHS or Beta, Carbon/silicon, Erol Alkan, Yo Majesty!, Little Brother, Bonde Do Role, St. Vincent*, Akron Family, MGMT, Institubes DJs (Surkin, Para One and Orgasmic), James Zabiela, Sebastian, Kavinsky, Dredg*, The Bird and the Bee, Grand Ole Party, New Young Pony Club, 120 Days, Yoav, Electric Touch, Uffie
Sunday - Roger Waters*, Love & Rockets*, My Morning Jacket, Spiritualized, Justice*, Gogol Bordello*, Chromeo, Metric*, Danny Tenaglia, Simian Mobile Disco*, Booka Shade, Murs, Dmitri from Paris, Autolux*, The Field, Linton Kwesi Johnson, Les Savy Fav, The Cool Kids, Sons & Daughters, Sia, Holy Fuck, Black Kids, Black Mountain, The Annuals, Kid Sister w/A-Trak, Man Man, Duffy, I'm from Barcelona, Manchester Orchestra*, Deadmau5, The Horrors, Austin TV, Shout Out Louds, Plastiscines, Brett Dennen
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DavidApr 25th, 2008 - 01:45:48
See I used to hang out with Rick Astley - that's how fecking old I am! Try and see M.I.A. and catch Mark Ronson's set. Should be worth it. Have fun, mate.
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ValerieApr 25th, 2008 - 02:48:08
Try to check out Les Savy Fav unless it coincides with Autolux. Oh, and wash the crunch off before you come back.
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DavidApr 25th, 2008 - 01:45:48
See I used to hang out with Rick Astley - that's how fecking old I am!
Try and see M.I.A. and catch Mark Ronson's set. Should be worth it.
Have fun, mate.
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